Stretch marks. Those tiny and sometimes not so tiny pink lightning bolts that adorn most of our bodies. They signify life. They signify change. And often, they signify you’ve created. We have all seen those posts praising women for their post-baby bodies, proudly showcasing their stretch marks and soft bellies—and that’s absolutely fantastic. I am utterly ecstatic for them—they’ve done something absolutely phenomenal, and have the courage to tell society to eff its standards of womanhood: that idea of a skinny, yet big-breasted, yet curvy woman with perfect skin, long hair and a sweet, meek smile. We see posts about women openly declaring love for their bodies, stretch marks and all, saying phrases like “my body created life” and loving it more because of that.
While this is so fantastic and awesome, I can’t help but think it creates a dichotomy between two kinds of women—a divide—between those who have and want children, and those who don’t or can’t.
Is this just another way we women have been conditioned to pit ourselves against each other?
I haven’t given birth—nor do I want to. And like most women, I have stretch marks too—around my thighs, around my hips, and around my breasts. It’s inevitable. It’s a part of life, growing and changing. And as I age, I come to love my body more and more—even if it isn’t supermodel skinny, even if my belly is soft, even if my thighs touch, and a whole lot of other things that happen. But why can’t my stretch marks and soft belly be celebrated as “beautiful”, even if I haven’t given birth to achieve them? They’re a fact of life. And I think emphasis needs to be taken off celebrating bodies based on what they have or haven’t done.
There’s already a significant stigma against women who don’t want children. That oh, you’ll change your mind or your life isn’t complete until you’ve had kids or you don’t know happiness until you’ve heard your child’s laugh or worse: you’re still young. You’ll realise how great having kids is.
Thanks. I didn’t realise my life, my worth and my value revolved around popping out miniature versions of me and my partner (gosh, that would be trouble). I’m perfectly happy not going through that experience, thank you very much.
As a social community, we adore and stand behind women who’ve had children and choose to wear bikinis in public. We stand behind these mothers, and we call them brave (which they are). But should we really be teaching and continuing this idea that we can only love ourselves entirely if we’ve borne children? Is this really the message we want to send to young girls? “Your life isn’t complete until you’ve had a baby”.
We should all be proud of our bodies, and proud of our tiger stripes. And if we continue to praise women for their soft bellies, stretch marks and so on, only if they’ve had children, we continue to perpetuate this way we differentiate and place value upon different choices. We continue to perpetuate the idea that children complete your life—which is obviously a terrible notion for women who don’t want children, and women (including trans women) who can’t. Just because my body hasn’t been through a miraculous experience like giving birth does not mean I am any less deserving of celebration. I shouldn’t have to go through that to be comfortable with my lack of a thigh gap, with my stretch marks, with my comfy belly. I am a happy, healthy human being: isn’t that enough?
We need to celebrate our bodies, not for what they have or haven’t done, but for the simple fact that we are human—and all humans deserve to be able to celebrate their bodies: and be supported and cheered for doing so. There’s so much negativity in the media about women: please, ladies: can we just love our bodies for how they are?
I’ll admit, I have a lot of hate and anger inside of me. I can’t help it. When I see people I love being wronged, or when I’m wronged, I can’t help but feel it’s incredibly unfair. But it consumes you, changes you. You become obsessed with it, you feel the anger in every fibre of your body. And most importantly: it’s not healthy.
How are you supposed to live a satisfying life if all you’re thinking about is anger and hate? You need to process your emotions, validate them, and eventually file them away to move on. But here’s the million dollar question: how?
Forgive them—or at least forget
Maybe what they did to you was really shitty. Maybe it was unforgivable. But hating them isn’t going to change anything: all it will achieve is making you feel worse. Don’t let them win. Forgive them, because they don’t know better—or if you can’t, forget, and move on. Because really, when you forgive them, you’re really forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to let the hate go.
We’re human: we make mistakes
Remember that. Maybe things were said and done in the heat of the moment. Maybe they regret it, and maybe they don’t. But it’s important to realise we all make mistakes. Why should we hold a small mistake against someone? If you were in the same position, you’d want them to be gracious towards you.
Don’t live in the past
I know it’s hard. I know you’re probably obsessing over it. I know any slight mention makes your blood boil, and your chest heat with an overwhelming sense of injustice and rage. No matter what you do, you can’t fix the past. And even if you do get some form of revenge, it won’t make you any happier, and it won’t change what happened.
Open yourself to the future
Use that rage to fuel your passions. If anything, kill them with success. The best revenge, after all, is success. Open your heart. Try new things. Take one step at a time to make your dreams come true.
Allow yourself to feel
If someone has done something terrible to you, you have a right to feel angry—so don’t feel like a bad person for it. But, like with any emotional experience, you need to address it the right way. Don’t bottle it up—talk to loved ones, a therapist, or even write. You need to process your emotions, validate them, and let it go.
Learn from your experiences
Think of it as a learning curb—think about the kind of person you want to be. Think about how you want to be treated—and treat others that way. Every adversity has a lesson to teach us—and we must be stronger than it.
Send them love
Generally, if people do bad things, there’s a reason: they’re damaged or they too have been wronged somehow. That isn’t fair, and it doesn’t justify their actions, but it does explain them. Maybe getting revenge and making them feel bad will make you feel momentarily superior. But in the long run, it will only make things worse. Life goes on, and hate only breeds more hate. Don’t let it eat you up from the inside.
Replace it with something you love
Negative voice in your head? Obsessing over words said to you? Keep repeating the incident over and over? Replace it with something else. Something you enjoy, something you love, something that makes you happy. Let your happy memories set you free.
Think about what I’ve written. Acknowledge your feelings. When anger strikes, remember you deserve more than a hate-filled heart. The world has enough hate in it—it doesn’t need any more. Let yourself move on—it will free you.
Care for yourself
You are number one. Do things you love. Get a massage, have a bath, get a manicure, do a hair mask, drink a glass of wine, read a book, watch your favourite shows and eat your favourite, nutritious food. Always put yourself first, and surround yourself with positive people who will help and love you.
Do the clichés
Scream into a pillow. Go to the gym and work up a sweat. Write an angry letter, and tear it up or burn it. Get all your emotions out in a positive way that isn’t hurtful. We don’t need more hurt in the world.
We aren’t always innocent, and maybe things could have been handled better. But you always—no matter what—need to forgive and love yourself. You are strong. You are a good human. Be the change you want to see in the world, and who knows: maybe if you respond with love instead of hate, you’ll change someone’s world.
Hey you—yes you. You, with the sad eyes. You, who constantly checks their phone in hopes of seeing a certain someone reply. You, who is waiting for the person you love to treat you how you deserve. You, who have been stood up, cheated on, lied to, and played. You, who justifies why they do certain things—and that it’s “not really that bad”. I want you to listen very carefully to me: you deserve more.
It’s taken me nearly 21 years, but I’ve finally had a life-changing realisation: I am worth so much more than I’ve received. And I bet most of you are in the same boat. I have been in a number of relationships where honestly, I’ve settled. Maybe they are great people—but if they don’t treat you great, why are you with them? Why do we put up with such bullshit? We know we’re worth more—so why do we do it?
I was dating a guy a few years ago who was probably my first real adult love—and boy, did I love him. I was crazy for him—even though he did not so nice things. Don’t get me wrong; he did some very great things, too—and I know he loved me. But that doesn’t mean I, or you dearest reader, have to settle. He would often stand me up to hang out with his mates instead. He would lie to me about whose bag of pot that was I found under the coffee table. He’d lie, and tell me: No baby, I’m not on drugs, I promise. That was someone else’s; they just left it there. Trust me. He’d ignore me for days on end when I did something he didn’t like. He’d try to control who I could and couldn’t talk to—and get mad when I disobeyed (and consequently ignore me again). But worst of all, he told me he loved me—and then he cheated on me.
In another relationship, my partner wouldn’t make the physical effort to come see me. He wouldn’t make plans with me. Hell, he actually organised to go on a camping adventure on my birthday—and this was after not seeing me for a month. He thought that was perfectly was okay. Again, he was a lovely guy; and he absolutely adored me. But once again, I settled for treatment I didn’t deserve.
I’d been single for quite some time when I met my last partner. I thought he was perfect—but it was only after the relationship ended that I realised how terribly sad I was, and how much I wanted so much more. He is a great guy. He cooked me awesome food, and would even find recipes without things I’m sensitive too (despite the fact that he loved those ingredients). He’d give me back massages, and make me coffee. He would listen to my rants. He would calm me down. At the time, I thought all of this could make up for the bad things, but this is the truth: that kind of thinking does NOT work. It could have been so much more. It could have been beautiful. But it wasn’t. There wasn’t any spark—there wasn’t any romance. I was giving so much more into the relationship, desperately hoping to bring it to life again. We would only talk or hang out if I instigated it—and being a long-distance relationship, talking was pretty important. I felt isolated, ignored and unwanted. I gained weight, too. And then he cheated on me—with none other than his ex-girlfriend. I convinced myself that this was okay—that I should take the good with the bad, and that it would all work out. But it didn’t.
Why do we put up with these things?
Why do we settle for less than we’re worth?
Why do we convince ourselves that things are okay, when they’re clearly not?
Ladies and gentlemen, I make this pact with you: I am never going to do that again. Is it so much to ask for someone who treats you well, and who won’t ignore you or cheat on you?
No. It’s not. And no, that’s not some bullshit and ridiculous notion of “having too high standards”. Fuck that. Love yourself, guys—there’s too much hate and too much self-questioning in this world.
YOU, dear reader, are worth so much more. And I think the moment we start to realise and incorporate that into our lives is the moment our pain and suffering sets us free.
Going to the gym is hard.
I find I often start off with the best of intentions, only to find myself falling into a pile of procrastination and excuses. If it’s in the morning, I groan as I put my alarm clock to snooze for the seventh time (I am not kidding, I need this to even consider waking up in the morning). Then I think to myself, I work hard at uni. I have such long days. I deserve a sleep in, yay me. Night time is quite similar—I think, well, it will probably be crowded now it’s after 5pm. Honestly, I just want to go home and make some kind of delicious elaborate food. Maybe I’ll study. Maybe I’ll even have a bubble bath. Do I do any of these things? Absolutely not. My routine normally consists of lazy (yet still somewhat healthy) vegan meals and a lot of time procrastinating either gaming, watching movies, or binge-watching TV shows and anime.
So, how do you make yourself change? I asked personal trainer Melanie Hawksley for her best tips—along with some probably embarrassing anecdotes on my part.
- Find your motivation
What do you want out of exercise and healthy eating? Is it for the right reasons? As women, we’re so often bombarded with a relentless stream of people telling us how we should and shouldn’t look. Maybe, sometimes we just want to feel sexy and confident. I’ll admit, I often feel the need to work out because I am unhappy with my body. However, this can become a bit obsessive. Instead, I like to repeat Jennifer Lawerence’s ideas of body image. When training for her role as Katniss in the Hunger Games, she famously argued:
“I’m never going to starve myself for a part . . . I don’t want little girls to be like, ‘Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I’m going to skip dinner . . . I was trying to get my body to look fit and strong, not thin and underfed.”
Instead of thinking of working out as a way to get sexy, think of it as a way to nourish and strengthen your body. After all, it will carry you for life.
- Find like-minded people
Specifically, people who will keep you motivated. People who have similar goals.
“You need to find someone (or a group of people) who will push you to the gym, and you to them, even when you may not feel interested,” Melanie Hawksley said.
This is difficult for me. I’ve recently moved to a new area, so I know pretty much no one. I briefly considered posting in random Facebook pages (but they could possibly turn out to be total psycopaths). My solution: I started a Facebook chat group with my friends who have similar goals. We motivate each other (mostly) and try to keep ourselves accountable. We even have friendly competitions to spur each other on—like who can run the most in 20 minutes, or improve the most in a week. Any and all achievements are celebrated.
- Set specific goals
“If your goals are not important enough, then it is likely you won’t follow them through.”
Are you training for a certain marathon? Is there an occasion you’re working towards? A holiday where you want to feel confident and sexy in formalwear and swimwear?
For me, I want to be happy with my body. I want it to be strong. After all, it will support me in all of life’s ups and downs. And honestly, I really like eating food.
“So many people do [it] just to look better but it is often not a powerful enough reason to keep you going back month after month. There needs to be a very powerful driver to keep up the motivation as you go,” Mel added.
This is why a more wholesome approach to health is far better—if your goals are to be healthy and nourish your body, you’re more likely to stick to it than if it was just to look like a Victoria’s Secret model.
- Keep a diary
I don’t mean some kind of obsessive calorie-counting record. Buy a cute diary, fill it with motivational quotes and pictures (Jennifer Lawerence for me), as well as your goals and progress. I also wrote a note to myself: never give up. Any time I felt like giving up, I’d read this and usually get a sense of motivation enough for me to change into gym clothes.
- Find a form of fitness you love
Try joining a local sporting team, take a yoga class, go for a walk on the beach, try pole dancing, or even random every day exercises at the home or gym. Find something you genuinely enjoy, and it won’t feel like a burden to you.
Personally, I’d love to either learn pole dancing or self-defence. But then I remember I’m poor, and stick to my cheap gym membership.
- Don’t feel like you have to conform to societal standards of beauty
All my life, I have struggled intensively with my own body image. I remember sitting in Kindergarten, and having a fellow classmate whisper to me: “you know you’re fat, right?” to which my five-year-old self nodded. Since then, I’ve struggled with eating disorders and fad diets. Honestly? They’re not worth it. Seriously. Don’t waste your money on Isagenix or any other tea tox. Yeah, you might lose weight, but that is because you are not eating. It’s not healthy, and it’s not sustainable. But time and time again, I try these things because I felt I needed to be skinny to feel happy. Wrong.
My dear reader, if you ever feel like this, I encourage you to metaphorically (or literally) yell: “fuck that!”. Because you are beautiful. Because you are powerful. Because you are strong. Because you’ve overcome every single challenge you’ve come across. Because you know true beauty is in the person you are, and how you treat those around you. Make a change for the right reasons, not the wrong ones.
And most importantly?
Love yourself. Know that what you look like does not decide your worth as a human being. Screw society’s beauty standards.