Roses are red, violets are blue. If you were a Pokémon, I’d choose you.
Hey girl, let me get a Pikachu Jigglypuffs.
Do you want to battle? Because my balls are at the ready.
I am ready, baby.
I’d like to ride you like a Horsea.
You have such a way with words.
My Gyrados is big enough for you to ride it all day and all night.
Now we’re talking.
Do you want to play with my Poke Balls?
Are they clean?
Want to watch my Ekans evolve?
Do I ever?!
I wish you were the ground and I were a Diglett so I could be inside of you.
STD’s are like Pokemon: gotta catch ‘em all. Help me out?
Gotta catch ‘em alllllllll!
Do you want to go back to my gym and have a naked battle?
Only if your level is big enough.
Ay baby, are you a Vulpix? Because you’re a sexy fox.
Take me now.
Looking at your ass makes my bulba soar.
I often have that effect.
Hi, my name’s cock. I mean Brock.
Hi, my name is no. I mean no. No.
Can I Squirtle on your Jigglypuffs?
I have no response.
I’m vegan, and like many other vegans, I am asked incredibly stupid questions all the time. Last week, while at a friend’s wedding, a person came up to me and asked, “what do you even eat?” while I was holding a massive plate of food. So, to clear it up for you, here’s a list of questions, along with answers.
You’re vegan? Why?
I love animals. I don’t want them to die. I don’t want them to suffer. I don’t think they should be mistreated or killed for a human to have a snack. I also care about the environment.
The meat and dairy industry is not sustainable. According to the United Nations, one billion people do not have enough food. This is expected to rise to three billion within the next 50 years—and animal consumption is a leading cause of this. How? It takes around 9034L of water to produce 0.5kg of meat, compared to 923L for the same amount of tofu. To produce 3.8L of milk, 2585L of water is needed. Furthermore, it takes 4kg of grain to produce 0.5kg of meat. This is because these animals are raised purely to be slaughtered—if the demand did not exist, neither would the strain on resources. These resources could then be used elsewhere and actually solve world hunger.
By converting to a vegan diet, you can save around 829,000L of water per year. Simply decreasing the amount of meat and dairy you consume is incredibly beneficial to the environment and your body. Please, be mindful.
What, do you think you’re better than me or something?
No. Vegans don’t think we’re better than any human or animal. Hence why we don’t eat either.
But if the animal is already dead, you may as well eat it, right?
Where do you get your protein?
You do realise there’s protein in more than just meat, dairy and eggs, right? Like, in vegetables? Same thing with iron. Shitloads of veggies is more than enough to be incredibly healthy. There’s also tofu (but not all vegans like tofu!) and other meat and dairy alternatives.
I bet you’re iron deficient.
My iron levels are fine, thank you very much.
Pigs are cute! Why would you want to murder them? They are living things. They think. They feel pain. They have emotions. They have the will to love. Why should they lose their life so you can have a snack?
Apparently, humans taste like bacon too. Are you going to eat them?
What do you even eat then?
Air. I eat air. And sunlight. Because it’s not like 75% of the average omnivore eats fruits, veggies and grains in their diets anyway.
FYI, the answer is shitloads of vegetables, fruits, pastas, breads, wraps, lasagnes, soups, curries, desserts, chocolates, ice creams cookies . . . Sound familiar? We miss out on nothing. There’s delicious, cruelty-free and healthy alternatives to everything. OREOS ARE ALSO VEGAN!
You’re just one person, you can’t change the world.
Are you serious? How do you think any kind of change happens? We recognise that something is wrong. We change it. We explain it to other people, and they agree. As more and more people come to realise the environmental and health impacts, if they’re reasonable people, they will change—or at least be mindful and decrease the amount of meat and dairy they consume.
We’re supposed to eat meat.
No. We’re not. And it’s destroying the environment. And a whole heap of other health problems.
But plants are living things too, why do you eat them?
Do you tie your own shoe laces in the morning?
Vegans are always trying to shove their beliefs down my throat!
Yeah, because your beliefs are destroying the environment.
My food poops on your food.
You’d eat it too, then, moron. And no, no they don’t.
Do you guys ever shut up about veganism?
How do you know if someone is a vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Damn straight, i’ll friggin’ tell you. I’ll tell you until the cows come home. Oh, wait. You ate them. Also, that’s a stupid joke.
Vegans are weak!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is (sometimes) vegan. He also advocates for meatless diets. This guy is also vegan:
Did you have to Google how to spell that last name?
Check out other celebrities who have ditched meat and dairy:
I still believe there is kindness in this world. Even though we are engulfed with war, disease, suffering, death, hate and torture, I still believe there is hope.
A few days ago, I somehow popped my tyre while driving. Don’t ask me how. I just heard a massive BANG and there it was. A flat tyre. Now, normally I would have called family friends to come and help me. The only problem was: I now lived three hours away from them.
Oh, dear! I thought. How is it possible that I can write thousands upon thousands of words and analyse philosophical ideas, but I can’t change a damn tyre?
I was freaking out—and kicking myself for not learning to change a tyre sooner. That was when a random guy asked me if I was okay—and he helped me, with no thought of himself, not even accepting my offers of money as thanks. I was bewildered—and grateful.
Similarly, a few years ago I was at a petrol station, and my cards declined—one of which was supposed to contain child support payments from my father. I tried $20 on each. Declined. $15. Declined. $10. Declined. Even $5—once again, declined. I was humiliated to the point of trying even $2, while counting up ten cent pieces from my wallet. And that was when a man stepped out from behind me and paid the rest of what I owed.
“Don’t worry about it, mate,” he said. “We’ve all been there.”
And then he left without another word.
A tyre and some money; for them, it may not have meant much. But for me, it meant the world. Could it be that there are genuinely good people out there? People who are willing to help others with no thought of themselves?
My mum once told me a story about how she saved a woman from a rather dire car crash accident. She crawled into the overturned car to pull the woman out of the wreckage. At any moment, the car could have burst into flames: but she did it anyway.
I can’t say if I’ve saved a life—I’d like to hope someone else would have intervened if I hadn’t. Two years ago I was holidaying in Vanuatu at a place known as the Blue Lagoon—essentially, a very deep, very blue swimming hole. A mother was there, waiting to catch her two girls who were jumping off the wharf into the lagoon—only, it was much deeper than she anticipated. She began to struggle. She began to call for help—scream for help. I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew I had to do something. Grabbing the girl—who couldn’t have been older than five—I slowly made my way to where I could touch the ground, banking on the idea that I could hold my breath for longer than she could. The mother cried, thanking me. Did I save her? I don’t know. But I did something, and that’s my point.
Something is all it takes, no matter how small, to change someone’s world. Small acts of kindness, small acts of bravery—that’s all it takes to change the world. So, what will you do? All it takes is one tiny step. Will you take it?