funny

9 shows you should definitely be watching

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The Simpsons

simpsons

The Simpsons are an absolute classic.  Seriously, one of the best TV shows of all time, and excellent for binge-watching. Set in dysfunctional Springfield, the Simpsons are your average, wacky American family—except they’re not. Their personality traits get them into all sorts of trouble and adventures, whether it be Homer’s laziness or stupidity, Marge’s nagging, Lisa’s smarts or Bart’s bad-boy behaviour. Ay caramba!

Bob’s Burgers

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This show always makes me want to eat burgers.

Bob Belcher owns a burger shop with his wife Linda and three kids Gene, Tina, and Louise. This show is truly excellent with incredible comic relief, whether it be through Tina’s awkward butt obsession, Gene’s admiration of food and original music, or Louise—the youngest and seemingly cutest with pink bunny eats—with destruction. Bob has to control it all whilst trying to run a semi-functional diner. Bon appetite!

The Flash

Barry Allen is a forensic scientist by day and superhero by night— the fastest man alive. After a freak scientific accident hits his hometown of Central City and he—and many others—gain powers of unimaginable powers. Which would be fine if most of them didn’t turn out to be villains! Can Barry and his team at Star Labs defeat the meta humans? Will he find the meta human who violently murdered his mother all those years ago? Will Barry save the world, and the woman he loves?

Arrow

TV_Gallery_Arrow01_53712d787bb741.46013658
Oliver Queen isn’t too bad on the eyes, either.

Oliver Queen was a playboy billionaire before his father’s boat crashed in a freak storm in the middle of the ocean. After spending five years in hell on a remote island conquering untold horrors, he returns from the dead. Once a soft, self-entitled lady’s man is now the best—and darkest—vigilante Starling City has ever seen. Oliver will do anything to protect the city and the ones he loves, but it doesn’t always work out so easy. Death follows this vigilante like a cloak, and his questionable past haunts him. Can he save his city?

Supergirl

Finally! A female superhero! Supergirl tells the story of Kara Zor-El, who was sent to Earth to protect her cousin, the great Man of Steel—but her pod was knocked off course, and by the time she arrived, Clarke Kent was already Superman. Kara must prove herself in the shadow of her cousin as she saves Earth from alien threats, all the while being the mistreated PA to media mogul Cat Grant. Talk about a double life! Well, she’s not Supergirl for nothing!

The 100

It’s 97 years after the Earth has been destroyed by nuclear Armageddon when a surviving colony of humans in space sends 100 juvenile prisoners to Earth to see if it’s still suitable for human life, in hopes of repopulating the Earth. They’re humanity’s last hope—but they soon discover that not all humanity was wiped out. There aren’t 100 of them for long!

2 broke girls

And The Big Gamble
Max’s souless stare is pretty much my life, TBH.

Max and Caroline have a dysfunctional roommate relationship—but somehow it, and everything else, seems to work out. Together, they own Max’s Homemade Cupcakes. Max’s dark humour combined with Caroline’s determination and optimism make for quite an interesting dynamic. They’re poor, they’ve got attitude, but most importantly, they have each other’s backs. Mostly.

America’s next top model

They’re ferocious. They’re gorgeous. They’re sassy. And they’re going to want to make you take some seriously banging selfies. Watch wannabe models fight for the title of America’s Top Model. There will be claws, there will be tears, but most of all, there will be some fantastic photos—and honestly,  some rather cringe-worthy ones! Bring it on!

Superstore

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Working in retail is hard—just ask any of the employees of the Cloud Nine superstore in Missouri, USA. Together, they face the daily grind of rude customers, boring training sessions and wacky encounters, all the while fostering valuable relationships.  Don’t let the name fool you—it’s super-funny! With a band of misfit employees, an airhead boss, and a non-nonsense assistant manager, this show will definitely tickle your funny bone.

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The best Pokémon pick-up lines of the internet.

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You teach me, and i’ll teach you. Image via YouTube.

Pokémon Go has taken over just about everything; so why not pick-up lines, too? Here’s the best the internet and social media can supply.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If you were a Pokémon, I’d choose you.

Awwwww.

Hey girl, let me get a Pikachu Jigglypuffs.

Ooh, dayumn.

Do you want to battle? Because my balls are at the ready.

I am ready, baby.

I’d like to ride you like a Horsea.

You have such a way with words.

My Gyrados is big enough for you to ride it all day and all night.

Now we’re talking.

Do you want to play with my Poke Balls?

Are they clean?

Pokemon-Go-4
That sure is one big Pokeball. Image via Prima Games.

Want to watch my Ekans evolve?

Do I ever?!

I wish you were the ground and I were a Diglett so I could be inside of you.

How poetic.

STD’s are like Pokemon: gotta catch ‘em all. Help me out?

Gotta catch ‘em alllllllll!

Do you want to go back to my gym and have a naked battle?

Only if your level is big enough.

Ay baby, are you a Vulpix? Because you’re a sexy fox.

Take me now.

Looking at your ass makes my bulba soar.

I often have that effect.

Hi, my name’s cock. I mean Brock.

Hi, my name is no. I mean no. No.

Can I Squirtle on your Jigglypuffs?

I have no response.

 

Manspreading: it’s not okay.

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This is something that is really starting to annoy me. Men: please pay attention—don’t be rude. Don’t manspread on public transport.

What is manspreading, you may ask? Well, it’s when a male spreads his legs on public transport and decides his genitals require an extra seat. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if the transport in question was empty—it’s when it’s packed and your inconsideration forces someone to stand that it really grinds my gears.

I get it. You guys need to spread your legs a little. Duh. You have genitals. I assume closing them tight would be painful. Even so, there’s a BIG difference in comfort and being a complete jerk.

Today for instance, I was waiting for my 8am bus. As usual, it was pretty damn packed. Multiple people were standing. And what do I see? A dude with his legs spread across two seats. Unless your diddly is in a cast, there is no excuse for this. It’s on par to those people who think their bags require a seat when others are standing. If the bus or train is empty, sure: spread away. But otherwise, let me put it bluntly for you: YOUR JUNK IS NOT THAT BIG THAT YOU REQUIRE TWO SEATS TO SPREAD YOUR LEGS!

I’ve heard a fair few defences to this. That it’s not comfortable. That it’s not manly for guys to sit with their legs closed. That “we’re not meant to sit that way”. You don’t think women want to chill out and take up two seats? Of course we do. But we don’t, because we’re not inconsiderate assholes. Furthermore, it’s super duper awkward trying to sit next to someone man spreading. I like my personal space. Stay in your own damn lane!

Seriously guys, just close your damn legs. Not all the way, because we wouldn’t want you to squash your little boys. But enough that someone can sit next to you. Who knows? She might be a pretty girl and become your future wife. The world is your oyster—but only if you partially close your legs.

Tinder moments to make you cringe!

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Ah, Tinder. You’re as useful as you are cringe-worthy. We’ve all heard about the horror stories—whether they’ve happened to us, or to someone we know. And yet, for some reason, we continue to swipe right, unbeknownst to us that we may be about to invite a total creep into our life.

For the few people who actually have successful relationships and friendships from Tinder, we salute you. But for the rest of us mere mortals, Tinder is hilarious, strange, insulting, creepy and sometimes downright sad.  And thanks to the wonders of the internet, our discomfort will now be your entertainment—enjoy!

“I tried out Tinder for like 3 days but then deleted it because no one would match with me.” –L, 25.

Ouch.

“[Some guy told me:] I wish you were my little toe, because I’d bang you on the coffee table.” –T, 21.

What a pick up line!

Um . . . Okay then. Image supplied.
Um . . . Okay then. Image supplied.

“I had a guy from Tinder actually track me down and introduce himself to me at uni. I didn’t recognise him because he looked nothing like his picture.” –Z, 20.

Awkward. Pro tip: don’t stalk people you’re interested—because it (usually) doesn’t work.

“I say hey, and they never reply.” –R, 21.

Aww.

“I once turned a Tinder conversation into a business deal to make a website for my business.”—S, 20.

I’m not sure it’s supposed to work like that, but good on you!

“Guy: Hey. What’s your snapchat?
Me: Why? You’re not going to send me pictures of your junk, are you?
Guy: Lol wtf? No . . . do guys do that?
Me: Yes. It’s usually the only reason they want to add girls on Snapchat.
Guy: I promise I won’t do that.
Me: Okay. *Gives Snapchat*.
. . . Five minutes later . . .
*Receives snap from guy; opens it. It’s a dick pick.*
Me: You motherfucker.” –S, 30.

We’ve been there girl. I hear you. Guys, please don’t send random women pictures of your genitals. We really don’t like it.

“I had a guy randomly ask me in the middle of a conversation if I wanted to see him naked. As if that were some kind of fantastic pick up line or something.” Z, 20.

Smooth as butter.

“I invited a guy over, and he looked a lot larger than his photos . . . [when] I saw him at the end of the drive way . . . Shamefully, I grabbed my phone off charge in the lounge room where the windows were open and hid in my bedroom. Heard him knocking for ages. Eventually, he left and I messaged him saying why didn’t you come around? I pretended I was in the back room and must not have heard him. So ashamed!” –K, 24.

Ah, poor guy!

“I had a guy ask to be his second partner for him and his pregnant wife. He said with his Mrs being preggers, they wanted a third party to join in to spice things up a little for them both. I deleted Tinder the next day.” –A, 20.

Probably not one of the strangest things to occur on Tinder . . .

Well, i'm sure that's not the weirdest thing to happen on Tinder. Image supplied.
No comment. Image supplied.

 “I went on a first date with this girl from Tinder and she messaged me later telling me she loved me. “—D, 21.

But, what if it was love at first sight, D?

“[I was on a date with this guy in America and he] wouldn’t stop nodding at me. Even when we were not talking. It was super awkward.” –A, 21.

*Nods understandably*.

“I didn’t realise Tinder was a dating ap. So I looked for both guys and girls, hoping to make some friends. Safe to say I probably wasted the time of a few lesbian women trying to find relationships.” –S, 20.

Oops!

“A guy stood me up like five times, and I was awkwardly waiting for him for an hour at a bowling alley once.” –A, 21.

Let’s hope karma strikes back!

“On a date one guy legit talked about his drunken experiences the whole time and didn’t even take me anywhere, after sending me on a wild goose chase to find him. Then he just rambled about his drunken experiences and that his dad was rich.”—A, 21.

Impressive, tell me more?

“This one guy pretended to be Morty from the show Rick and Morty—literally everything he said was a quote from the show. It was pretty great.” –Z, 20.

I like what you got. Show me what you got.

I wonder if he ever picked up? Image supplied.
I wonder if he ever picked up? Image supplied.

And last, but certainly not least, this saga . . .

“Me: so I was talking to this girl, right . . .
Her: Hi, are you willing to be controlled and obey? I am a dominant mistress looking for a submissive to obey and worship me.
Me: Lol yeah, I could live with that.
(She told me to call her mistress and tell her my sex fantasies.  I told her to tie me to something so hard it leaves marks and indents).
Her: But first . . . you need to undergo my online training . . . and sign a contract.
Me: Basically it was a scam site to try and get me to pay for sex from a random person off the internet.” –D, 21.

Well, then. There are no words for that.

May the odds be ever in your favour, fellow Tinder users.

Do you have any cringe-worthy Tinder moments? Let us know in the comments!

The Intern: Break the Expectations

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Starring Anne Hathaway and Robert De Niro, this film far exceeded my expectations. It’s inspiring, uplifting, with the perfect amount of heartbreak and humour. It’s been three days since I saw the film, and I’m still reeling from the emotional rollercoaster I was put through.

De Niro plays Ben Whittaker, a retired 70-year-old looking to spice up his monotonous life with something new. That spice just so happens to be a senior’s intern program for an up-and-coming online clothing business, headed by the awe-inspiring Jules Ostin (Anne Hathaway).

Since Ben is an actual senior (citizen), a lot of the typical intern questions don’t really work out, such as “where do you see yourself in ten years?”, and “what was your major?” followed by “do you remember?” Ben, however, handles himself at all times with pride, respect, patience and concern—just what the doctor ordered for Jules.

Jules, by the way, is a ground-breaking character. She’s a pillar of dedication, strength and determination, as well as kindness and concern for her employees and customers, truly going above and beyond. In the first nine months of creating her business, she met her five-year goal, and went from 25 to over 200 staff members. She also tends to ride a bicycle through her office—complete with a cup holder for coffee: a brilliant idea. And she hates it when people don’t blink. Or when they talk slow. Jules Ostin is truly a quirky inspiration, who isn’t afraid to smash glass ceilings. Go, Anne Hathaway! Girl power!

I hope i’m successful enough to ride a bike through my office some day.

That is, until the misogynistic and sexist investors want to replace Jules as CEO in favour for someone a little more “seasoned”. In order words, an older man. They convince her she’s doing too much, and as a woman, should let a man handle the business world. And at first, she believes them. But then Ben Whittaker saves the day with his old-world charm, and kind, caring demeanour. And he always encourages everyone to do the right thing—even if it’s hard. From Jules’s drunk chauffeur, to co-workers with lady problems, to cheating husbands: Ben can fix it all. His best tips? Breathe deeply. Take some me-time. Talk to people in person, and talk to them honestly, but most importantly: believe in yourself—because no one knows you as well as you.

Robert De Niro makes everything better.

The Intern also tackles some pretty complicated themes, from the invisibility of the elderly who still have music left inside them and a wealth of knowledge, to working mothers.

“It’s 2015, are we really still critical of working mums?” Ben asks. Indeed, we are. Jules, when not being a superstar businesswoman, is also a mum to her young daughter, Paige. Her husband, Matt, quit his job in marketing in order to be a stay-at-home dad. And on the surface, this works. Well, until Matt cheats repeatedly with a woman from Paige’s school. Matt eventually confesses, apologises profusely, saying he lost himself, but now he’s ready to be a real man—as if that was a valid excuse. Is this particular man so emasculated by his badass, bread-winning wife that he has to sleep around in order to validate his manhood? Please. Talk about toxic masculinity. And the worst part about all this: she takes him back. SHE TAKES HIM BACK. It’s not like it was a one-time thing—he was cheating on her for months, knowing it was wrong, and still did it anyway. But oh, throw a few compliments and lovey-dovey words in there, and everything is fine and dandy. Matt, you’re a jerk face.

Did I mention Ben is a criminal? Yeah, they save Jules’s ass by breaking into her mother’s house and deleting a rather inflammatory email. And oh, hey there Bumper from Pitch Perfect!

But even in the face of heart ache, even in the face of intense adversity, Jules does not give up. And that’s definitely something to commend. Ben is the perfect Robin to Jules’s Batman, and while I was still pissed off about that jerk-off Matthew, it was hard to not be inspired by the pair. You go guys, don’t be defined by societal opinions of age and gender. Smash those expectations. I believe in you.

Overall, it was a great movie—it left me wanting more. So I guess the writers did their job. The movie has also earned $107.8 million at the Box Office, so they must be doing something right. It’s witty, it’s funny, it’s heartbreaking and it’s inspiring—and you won’t regret watching it.

Note: this article was originally published by me for Re-Views Magazine.

9 things Amy Schumer’s Trainwreck taught me

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Trainwreck is a hilarious analysis of modern relationships, and breaks down barriers of what it is to be a woman. Also, it’ll tell you how to get a condom unstuck—and other vital tips below.

  • Your sexuality doesn’t define you!

I cannot stress this enough. Ladies, say it with me: your sexuality doesn’t define you! You want to sleep with multiple partners in one night—or no one at all? Awesome! Because honestly? We’re grown-ass women. Do more—and who—of what makes you happy.

  • Know when to say “no”

Whether it be to a super bitchy boss, or a hook up with a strange 16-year-old whose safe word is pineapple: know when to say no. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

  • Beware of sexy talk

Especially if your partner really isn’t into it. Otherwise, you may get some golden responses like “I’m going to put my pecker in you” and “fill you with my protein”.

  • It’s never too late to say sorry

You really do only live once; why hold onto petty arguments? If you love someone, tell them. Bonus points if you say sorry by choreographing a cheerleader dance routine where you’re the star—extra bonus points if you can’t dance.

  • Watch your come backs

No, really. Think before you speak—if you don’t, you might reply to an insult: “you know what I do to assholes? I lick them.” Errr, okay.

  • There is a wrong time for alcohol

I’ll admit: I’m a fan of wine (and vodka). Okay, maybe too much of a fan. Amy Schumer must be my spirit animal.  But there is a point where you have to take a good look at yourself and ask: “Am I really okay?”

  • Receiving head without giving

Well, if you follow in Amy Schumer’s footsteps, close your eyes and pretend you’re asleep.

  • Full-proof writing tips

Like, say . . . don’t show up to work drunk. Also, don’t sleep with your interviewees.

  • And finally . . . how to get a condom unstuck from your cervix

Behind me, I heard: “I’ve had that happen”. Is this seriously a problem? Well, if it happens to you, simply make a hook with your finger—happy hunting.

Love all of who you are—even the sloppy parts. At the time, you were doing exactly what you needed. Bless you, Amy Schumer!

Would you like a side of badass with that? A Richelle Mead review

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“I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

…There was a moment’s silence, then a high-pitched male voice snapped, “Go away, bitch.”

Great. A shoe with an attitude.”

Richelle Mead’s Storm Born is the first instalment in her riveting Dark Swan series, and is a work of pure genius and absurd humour. After all, who doesn’t love a touch of wackiness?

Storm Born follows shaman-for-hire Eugenie Markham who dedicates her life to protecting innocents from vicious creatures of a parallel universe—the Otherworld. Death threats and violence, she can handle—Eugenie wields a gun and shamanic magic with ease. In other words: a total badass. That is, until every Otherworldly creature is trying to get into her pants—the downside to an age-old prophecy. Eugenie is forced to confront her enemies, as well as the dark, unknown powers swirling within her.

Mystery, intrigue, betrayal, action and love. Storm Born has it all; complete with haunted shoes, a half-kitsune who gives a new meaning to the phrase “animal attraction”, and a fairy king with a taste for bondage.

Urban fantasy author Richelle Mead is well-renowned for her strong (and incidentally hilarious) female leads. Mead perfectly mixes her wacky brand of dark humour into smoulderingly sexy—not to mention empowering and inspiring—lead ladies and compelling storylines.

Mead’s most recent venture is the mind-blowing Age of X series, which is set in the futuristic world nearly destroyed by religious extremists who unleashed a deadly virus. The Republic of United North America (RUNA) as a result banishes Gods from their society—but these Gods return with a vengeance, and it’s up to implant-enhanced super solider Mae Konskein and her genius (and alcoholic) partner Dr Justin March to maintain order with the utmost secrecy. On the other hand, Mead’s Georgina Kincaid series follows a reluctant succubus with a terrible love life but great shoes through a series of unexpected, dangerous and often heart-breaking events, though Georgina overcomes these through her sassy humour and intelligence.

Perhaps her most well-known venture, Mead’s best-selling young adult series Vampire Academy (which in 2014 was also adapted into a film) follows the snarky half-vampire guardian-in-training Rose Hathaway who is charged with the protecting the last Dragomir moroi (living vampire) princess Lissa Dragomir—who also happens to be her best friend—from a race of ancient, undead and bloodthirsty vampires—the strigoi. Meanwhile, in Vampire Academy’s spin-off series Bloodlines, witty, resourceful and pragmatic Sydney Sage is the protagonist. Sydney is an alchemist; a super-secret human agency which is tasked with concealing the existence of vampires. That is, until she falls in love with one.

Whether it be through brains, brawn or empathy, Mead’s characters prove ladies can kick butt—especially in a male-dominated, patriarchal world.

So, have you ever heard of a succubus who occasionally moonlights as a Christmas elf? An angel who drinks with demons and dresses like a homeless man? An overly-aggressive table? No? Read Richelle Mead’s masterpieces. You will be enlightened—thank me later.

I give Richelle Mead 5 stars—for all of her books; because anything less would be an insult. Go forth, enlightened readers!